As the main title
probably already suggests, this first blog isn't going to be a happy read.
Supposedly, new starts are meant to be joyful occasions; the journey forward
into the unknown. However, for me, my journey truly is one into the unknown and
unfortunately it's one that has a painful and heart breaking start that I'm
still working through.
To give you
a basic understanding of my story, we'll have to go back almost a year to 2015.
I met a girl and to maintain anonymity, although I don't think I've set my
privacy settings correctly, we'll call her Delilah. Delilah and I met at a
party and we got on like a house on fire.
To cut a
long story short, within a few months we were dating and eventually it became
quite a serious relationship that neither of us were expecting. This was due to
the fact that she was leaving the UK to finish her PhD. I know what you're
thinking: you can't call it a serious relationship if it's only been a few
months. I would 100% agree with you, but as the more experienced readers are
probably familiar with; these things happen.
Before
anything began between us, we both knew that she was leaving by Christmas but
we fell for each other regardless. At first it was casually dating as these
things always start, and soon I found myself falling for her. I didn't tell her
I was getting feelings because, to be truthful, I wasn't 100% sure myself what
it was that I was feeling. A few weeks later, I vividly remember at the end of
a party with a group of friends that she actually got angry with me.
When we were
walking back to her place, we stopped and talked. She actually hit me several
times before I asked what it was that I had done to annoy her. It turned it
that she wasn't annoyed with me, but with herself. She said that she shouldn't
be falling for me because we hadn't known each other that long. She was annoyed
at herself for letting it happen. She didn't want to go through the heartbreak
of leaving and breaking up with me when she left. That was when she revealed
that she only wanted a casual relationship for her time in my city.
I comforted
her. I calmed her down. I told her. I told her everything. That I'd also been
getting feelings, and that I wanted to have something that lasted. Something
real. I guess I wanted that one thing everyone searches for in life, but
nothing everyone finds: the person they're meant to be with.
We agreed to
try and make it work. And before long it spread like wildfire that we were an
official item. And then just as quickly as it started, she'd left to go back to
her university to complete her PhD. We'd agreed to try and maintain a long
distance relationship. This proved to be very difficult as Skype just wasn't
the same as being in the same room.
Fast forward
to January and it was the first opportunity I had to fly out to visit her. The
few days leading up to me flying out and we had a fight. At the time, I thought
it was bloody ridiculous and looking back, my thoughts on it haven't changed.
She was annoyed because I forgot to say goodnight one of the nights. I can't
remember all of the details but I remember it being ridiculous. I remember her
getting annoyed because I wasn't always around to chat in the evenings because
of the variable working hours of being an outdoor instructor. I started to get
annoyed because she got annoyed even though I was messaging her occasionally
when I could. You have to remember that phone signal for WhatsApp isn't great
in the mountains during overnight camps...
So she was
pretty annoyed with me in the lead up to flying out. And when I landed at the
airport, she was there to meet me. We went back to her place and I was to crash
there for the three days I was there. And then she said she wanted to break up.
At that moment, everything froze and I didn't know what to say. So many
thoughts rushed through my head. The first thing was the fact that I'd flown
over 1000 miles to come and see her. That kind of shows how much I felt towards
her. The second was do I stay or should I go? And unfortunately, the answer was
stay because she told me not to lift anything money from a cash exchange as
she's cover all expenses, so I literally couldn't leave.
The next few
days, I spent them with her and being shown around the city. Needless to say,
being around a girl that just broke up with you; that you really cared for,
that was a difficult few days. I didn't know how to process it. But
nevertheless, I was able to get through those few days.
Upon
returning home, Delilah wanted to keep contact up as if nothing had happened.
As if we were still friends. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I wanted to
talk to her like old times, but I got the heart sinking feeling every time. So
we agreed to not talk for a while until I sorted my head out.
And of
course, me being me, I still find it difficult to talk to her. It brings up
memories of our time together and it still hurts.
Fast forward
exactly a month from the break up to Valentine's Day 2016. There was a girl,
we'll call her Sarah, that joined my home climbing club that I'd always thought
was kind of cute but said to myself, "Never in a million years,"
because I'd be punching well above my weight.
Nothing ever
happened then, but she knew that I'd broken up with Delilah last month but
didn't bring it up. We somehow got chatting a lot and in a way she was a
distraction from the pain of losing Delilah. Somehow, talking to Sarah made
something click in my head and I found myself being able to talk to Delilah on WhatsApp
again. Just small talk but it was the start of things to come.
And by St
Patrick's Day, I realised the reason was because I'd maybe started to have
feelings for Sarah. At this point, I'd known her 5 months, and I didn't want to
start anything because I didn't want to rush in to it.
Sarah
actually ended doing a leadership course at my place of work at the time. We
had breakfast and dinner together every day at my work place during her time on
the course. And by that stage everyone at work had copped on that I liked her.
So I knew that this point that I did like her as more than just a friend.
After her
course we actually went camping together with another friend, who probably felt
like a bit of a third wheel if I'm honest. As I was driving, after I
dropped everyone off home, I then decided to say to her about liking her. She
was cool about it and wasn't looking for anything right now but didn't say no
to the possibility of something. And we left it at that.
A couple of
days later, the climbing climb had their AGM to elect the committee for the
next year. I don't remember any of it as I decided it would be a fantastic idea
to drink a half bottle of Jameson's Whiskey and a 10-glass of Jack Daniel's
Whiskey. However, the next day, I had apparently arranged to meet up with
Sarah once I'd sobered up. We chatted and then we ended up kissing. And that
was the start of what we had.
We went on
another camping trip together, a few hill walks and a few dates. I even made
her a steak dinner at her place. We ended up sleeping together for a bit.
And then
came the start of the end. There was a period where we knew that we wouldn't
see each other for a while because of work commitments and other plans. She
went off to visit uni friends one weekend and I was away when she was back. So
we didn't see each other for a few weeks. I thought we were being pretty mature
about it and just getting on with it.
We still
managed to message each other every day so I figured things were going well
with us. I started to get stronger feelings at this point. I wasn’t sure
because I’ve never actually said it to anyone before, but the “L” word kept
floating into my head, but I kept this to myself.
When she got
back and we next saw each other, that's when I noticed things were weird with
her. I asked about it and she said that everything was fine. Her voice went
quite high pitched and I knew she was lying. She knew that I knew but I thought
better of it than to pry any further. We went on our date as usual and I left
things as they were; unanswered.
The next
time that I saw Sarah was a couple of days later. We went for a walk in the
local park and had hot chocolate in her apartment, again she was being weird
and I didn't pry too much into it. I just got the old, "Everything's
fine" response.
And then we
had another break of a couple of weeks because of our clashes with work
rotas.
We get to the
end of the month of June and we meet up at a carpark and go for a short walk in
the hills. We head back to my place and have some tea. Mixed signals start to
get thrown around; she said we're doing things slowly but just a few weeks ago
we were doing all sorts in her bedroom... Again I didn't pry into it. But I
kept thinking, "If you're having problems, surely you'd share them with
your boyfriend?"
The next day
I happened to by close by because of work. She was doing a First Aid course so
I did some training. When she was out of the course, we climbed together with a
friend for a bit and then we went our separate ways. Didn't get goodbye or
anything. Just a "See you later" sort of thing.
I parked up
outside her apartment and I messaged her:
"Somethings
been playing on my mind recently and well, yeah. Wouldn't mind chatting.
Literally 5 minutes"
I got no
reply. I said to myself that I was going to leave at 9pm. It was the
longest 8 minutes of my life when, at 8:58pm, she replied.
"Look I
know we need to chat, I haven't been right in the head recently and it's not
fair on you, been trying to sort out my shit but I haven't managed to, we need
to chat in person but I can't right now I'll make sure we chat when I'm
back"
I replied
instantly. "Okay. See you in a couple of weeks. Enjoy [your trip]"
Then I
simply drove 30 miles back to my place. Feeling angry and then I cooled down
after the drive.
I went to
the climbing wall to do some thinking. I came to the conclusion that she hasn't
made the effort to come and see me at all. It took me a while to realise
because of work and everything.
Fair enough,
Isle of Man, Fairhead (saw her on the Friday for hot chocolate before going),
and Donegal were in the way. I didn't see her last weekend because she was out
hillwalking with her best friend on Saturday. And I was Belfast based on Sunday
and she didn't want to see me when I asked.
I'm
wondering if this has been a long time coming. I remember in the middle of May
when I asked her for coffee she didn't want to because she wanted space.
I didn't see
her until our date night where saying goodbye her voice was squeaky.
Then on the
Friday walking through the park. All we did was hold hands and talk rubbish.
And a quick kiss on the lips goodbye.
And Saturday
in the hills was the first time I'd seen her exactly 3 weeks and 1 day. Didn't
even hold hands, no hug, and no kiss. It's like we weren't even going
out.
The last
time we were in any way intimate was when a friend came over and we went out
for a few drinks. I was sober and driving. I was cold in the car when we were
leaving so she started making out to distract me and heat things up.
So between
then and Thursday 19th, what changed? She was going to visit uni friends
that weekend. Did something happen?
So to me,
this is the start of a long and slow break up. I feel hollow. Am I just not
going to talk to her for two weeks? I'll let her message first.
The next
time I see her, I'll just ask her straight. "What's going on?"
I think
what's bothering me most is that she won't talk to me about her problems. If
it's something to do with me, I'd rather she just say. Especially considering
that we don't see each other that often, the times we have seen each other,
she's had ample opportunity. "What's going on?"
The next two
weeks were incredibly difficult. I was losing sleep and was incredibly stressed
and I could feel depression sinking in. I didn't talk to her at all because I
wanted answers that she seemed dead set on giving in person.
I'd seen on
Facebook that she was now back. I was heading to work near her place so I
parked nearby and asked what was going on.
"I got
weird and things have gone to shit I guess."
She said she
wouldn't want to talk in person so I dropped this message with her:
"Right,
I would rather we chatted in person, but it looks and feels like you're
avoiding me like the plague. I don't know what's going on with you, but I'll
tell you how things are with me. I've been so worried about you for the last
while (longer than I care to admit) that I'm not eating right, my head has been
all over the show, I can't focus and I haven't been able to sleep.
Things
between you and I had been great. It took me a while to cop on that something
was up. I didn't want to push too much into it, but drunk me thought otherwise.
And now that it's affecting everything between us, I feel that I have to
intervene in some way.
I want to
make us work; I'm really trying on my end, but I have no idea how to do that if
you keep shutting me out. You said we'd talk in person when you're back and now
that you're back, I'm getting nothing.
So I need to
know: do you want to make us work?"
The
response.
"Shit
man, I don't want all this drama. Things were nice and easy going, that's how I
do things. And yes I'm all over the shop emotionally right now but I've been
trying to protect you from that as we had only been a thing for a few weeks. I
know you've been trying and you are fantastic but it's not going to fix me. I
can't make this work right now but if you want to talk at some point I can make
that happen"
She only
sees us having been a thing for a few weeks. I definitely count it as being
closer to several months; the time when things start to get serious and you
start asking, "Where is this going?"
She ended up
meeting up with me at my place. And broke up with me then. All of the air in my
lungs froze in place and I couldn’t breathe. I could feel a sadness welling up
inside of me. I could feel my eyes welling up. She kept talking: all the
bullshit reasons; we're too different was the only one that stands out. My
mouth was drier than the Sahara and my voice croaky as I tried my best to
reason with her illogical excuses to end what we had, but to no avail.
I lost the
first girl that I actually fell in love with. That really hurt. My head was a
mess and I couldn't do anything. I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to
be around my friends or family and became a recluse. I started booking days off
work to be on my own.
Unfortunately
a few days after she ended things, I was heading on a month long expedition to
an uncharted region in Central Asia. I had to sort my head out or the people
that I would climb with would be injured or killed. I needed my head in
the game. I did the only thing I knew how to do; I bottled it up and
compartmentalised it into that dark corner of my brain that I never go
to.
A month
later we all get back safety from our trip away.
It was when
I saw several of the others meeting up again at the airport with their other
halves that the bottle I had put away into a corner of my brain fell off the
shelf and smashed open. I was overcome with a massive wave of sadness and
confusion.
Part of me
was hopeful that we could reconnect. I'd just have to get my act together. But
another part of me was stronger and it told me it was over. This was the side I
went with.
And so I
started drinking... Heavily. I've been binge drinking with different friend
groups so that no one friend group realises the damage I'm doing to myself.
It's the only thing that's numbing the pain and making me forget.
And to make
me hurt even more; I received a message from her. I wasn't sure if I wanted to
read it. I just stared at the phone in my inebriated state in disbelief. Eventually
I read the message. It was to inform me that she was now seeing someone. Well
that hurt me. And here's the kicker that was like pouring acid onto my already
fragile heart: it was someone I was climbing with for a month. Yeah. That
really hurt me.
The way I
see it, she broke up with me, a few days, away for a month, back barely a week
and then I receive that message from her. It feels like she took a shower and
moved on to the next one just like that. Especially considering that there was
no time between breaking up with me and seeing the new guy. We'll call him
Richard Head, Dick for short.
I've known
Dick for a few years now and I've never been a massive fan of him. Always
exaggerating his stories and talking himself up when it came to his climbing
adventures. I'd never met anyone so full of crap until him.
Later the
next day, I had planned to go for a few drinks with a few friends that I
climbed with. Eventually the subject of Sarah and Dick came up. I brought it
up, so they thought it was okay to talk about. One of the guys had seen the two
of them walking together holding hands last week. I was not happy to hear this,
but she must’ve seen the guys clock her and Dick holding hands together and
that’s why she messaged me in the first place. So that made me think that she'd
maybe been cheating on me. No one moves onto someone that fast. It literally
would've had to have been a week for that to happen.
So in my
head I started getting angry and more depressed. I didn’t have time or space to
process that she’d broken up with me. And now that I’m back home, my job
contract has ended, I’m now a freelance outdoor instructor, work is quiet as I
haven’t been around to organise much for the autumnal months. I now have time
to grieve over the end of our relationship.
I’m drinking
more, I’m sleeping less, and I’m eating less. My mental health is far from
ideal right now and my physical health is beginning to deteriorate. I’ve lost
all motivation to do any training or exercise or even looking for work. I’m not
ashamed to admit that I’m clearly depressed, but I am too proud to seek help or
someone to talk to. My friends have asked me if I’m alright, but they’re easy
to shrug off with the usual, “Yeah, I’m fine.”
It’s when
there are things planned with a large group of friends, I find myself
intentionally running late and always asking someone, “Who’s there currently?”
And if Sarah or Dick end up being in their response, I make up an excuse to not
go. I know that I’ll eventually have to see them together, but right now, if I
see either of them again, I’ll freak out. If you were to ask me what I’d do if
I saw him right now, my answer would be simple, I’d beat the living shit out of
him. I’m so infuriated at even the idea of Sarah and Dick being together that I
can actually feel my blood boil and my heart wants to burst out of my chest.
But yeah, if
you’ve made it this far into reading, well done to you. You’ve just read up on a
year of my love life and it isn’t great. The latest one has absolutely ruined
my mental and physical health. Right now, I feel complete disgust for both of
them. If I do see him in the coming days, he will get punched in the face. So Sarah
or Dick, if this story ends up being familiar to you, stay the fuck away from
me.
And that is
why this new start is going to be full of surprises. I hate surprises.
